Honestly, this blog is a big deal for me. The one thing that I’ve learned since I started this whole blogging journey is that I can’t be brushing aside the things and events that truly define who I am. I’m that kind of girl that genuinely puts others before herself. I’m that kind of girl that doesn’t really want the attention on me. But, lately I’ve realized that sometimes we deserve unwanted attention in order to better our quality of life.
The last few months have been what got me to begin my blogging journey. Unfortunately, I’ve been dealing with heartbreak from my first love. I gave myself to someone who I thought wanted to give me the same things in return. I gave my entire self to someone who I thought cared about me. I gave myself to someone who couldn’t even buy me my favorite coffee from Starbucks once in awhile or even tell me I was pretty without having to beg for the compliment. Sadly, I gave myself to someone who I let determine my self-worth and, in the end, got nothing but dumped. The entire process really turned my world upside down.
Since the break-up, I’ve really let him affect the person I think I am and what I think I deserve. Before him, I was happy. I was carefree. Heck, I was always the Queen of Wit around my friends. Of course, I still am the Queen of Wit, but I’m just not who I want to be at the moment. Like I’ve said before, my anxiety is something that I have had no choice but to deal with every single day. And, post break-up life has really enhanced that vicious anxiety. For me, this struggle is one I feel like I have no control over.
The only thing I can do right now is try. I’m taking little steps everyday to better my quality of life. I’m trying so hard to get myself out of the house and stop crying about someone who will never cry over me. I’m trying so hard to tell myself that I deserve way more. I completely agree with every single family member, friend, and coworker who tells me that he isn’t worth all this struggle and depression. My problem is actually believing it. And, I know I will get there. I have hope. I really do want to believe in Cwissy again. Because I have a really big team behind me that wants nothing but for me to succeed, I am able to wake up every day knowing that I’m one more step in the right direction.
Recently, my ex told me that I was a “learning experience” for him. That hit me really hard because what I’ve gone through since November is something he doesn’t even deserve. What I’ve gone through has gotten in the way of me fully living my life. And, what I’ve gone through has completely affected my quality of being. That’s the toughest part of this experience.
But, with this uncontrollable heartbreak has come so many greater opportunities for me to grow as an individual. I’ve started to just worry about myself and take the necessary steps I need to better my health. I’ve started to be truly honest with my family and friends in order to rise above all of this. And, that’s really the only priority for me right now.
I just want to thank my ex for inspiring me. Thanks for inspiring me and teaching me that I will forever deserve nothing but the best from the next guy I give myself to. Thank you for inspiring me that I can be in control of my life without letting someone else define that for me. And, I just really want to thank you for teaching me that no boy is worth the amount of tears. Cheers to a better me in the making!