Limitless

PSA: I AM BACK.

To my fans-

Sorry AF! I went on a little hiatus for a bit and I don’t really have an excuse for my absence. I started this blog almost a year ago (time sure does f***ing fly!) for reasons that used to be beyond hard to explain. I started this blog almost a year ago to acknowledge and release inner demons that were so hard to escape. And, truthfully, I started this blog almost a year ago because I was continuously forgetting to love myself in a society that doesn’t always acknowledge or accept your existence. Blogging became a way to cope with everything going on in my life.

Lately, I’ve been letting the struggles, limitations, and discouragement get the best of me and I think that’s why I’ve been holding off on the writing. The last few months have consisted of lots and lots and lots of the unexpected: arguing with and losing friends, continuously getting shut down from jobs, and hopeless dating (shocker!). Yes, there are far worse things in life and, yes, I’ve experienced far more painful things. But, these unfortunate experiences happening all at once became such a hardship. It just felt like I was never going to win.

In the last year and a half, I feel like I’ve made such significant strides in bettering myself. I mean, I smile more, laugh more, and cry less! That’s huge for where I was at this time last year. Unfortunately, I’ve come so far and still let the most insignificant moments affect the woman I’ve slowly discovered and have learned to love. I’m realizing that this journey I am on is never going to be easy. Yes, it will get easier as time progresses, but there’s always going to be something or someone that gets in my way. I can’t keep letting these moments in my life get in the way of continuing my happiness….or my blogging.

Stay Lifted,

Cwissy

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Simply Complicated

Shocker when I say that I had this weird and overly disgusting obsession with the Jonas Brothers and everything “Camp Rock” when I was 13. Let’s be real, I was probably infatuated until mid-high school when I realized that needed to end real quick. I watched Nick Jonas and Demi Lovato, my age at the time of their stardom, and was nothing but inspired and most likely somewhat jealous. It was like Disney Channel stars had everything that peers wanted and more. From the outside, they lived such lavish and exciting lives and never for even a second did I think that these teenagers could be struggling with something deeper.

Demi Lovato, a year older than I, just released a new documentary on YouTube. One of my close friends and neighbors, Dee, recently told me she had watched it. So, I gave myself some downtime after my morning shift at work to give this new YouTube hit a chance. When Dee told me that this video was everything, I didn’t really believe her until now. Within the first couple of minutes, I realized how real the next hour and a half was going to be.

“Secrets make you sick”, she says. That’s when I knew that this was going to be more than just another documentary. It was personal. From drug addiction, to love and heartbreak, to a never-ending eating disorder, Demi’s life was starting to feel far too real to me. At 25-years-young, Lovato picked herself up and put her broken pieces back together. She states in the video that she has been sober for over five years and, at times, that’s been difficult to maintain. But, her biggest demon that she can’t fully seem to conquer is her eating disorder.

Demi continues to share that the end of her 6-year relationship with the love of her life, Wilmer, is what brought back her eating disorder demons. As soon as they broke up, her binging and purging that had stopped for more than three years, had slowly come back to taunt her. I lost it. I mean absolutely lost it. I started sobbing. This scene was far too much for me to even comprehend. I almost felt ashamed because I let my break-up last year affect my demons, too. Of course, my relationship was nothing as awesome as what Demi describes. But, for some reason, Demi and I have similar situations and very similar reactions.

When I was dating my ex, my eating disorder weirdly left my mind for awhile. Yes, I had those days where I didn’t feel thin enough or pretty enough (probably because he never even tried to make me feel any of those things), but I never really thought about food like I did before I had someone to share my time with. After my heartbreak, my eating disorder and thinking about food 24/7 seemed to be the only apparent thing in my life. It’s tough thinking about how much I’ve let someone else determine the way I view myself, both inside and out. Like Demi, I resorted to self-hate and body bashing because I didn’t know how to deal with being just me, without a partner.

Demi taught me something about life. She taught me that we all struggle. We all fall seven times, stand up eight. We all strive to be perfect. We all want to be loved and appreciated. We all want our fairytale happy ending. We all have our demons. But, she taught me something far more important: I am going to be OK.

Stay Lifted,

Cwissy

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Trust the Process

I’m sitting here thinking about absolutely everything that has gone on during the last year. I began 2017 so incredibly lost. I stayed home as much as I possibly could with unwanted tears constantly rolling down my face. I woke up every morning completely puffy-eyed and wondering how I got to that ridiculously low point. And, it felt like I had sold my soul to someone that would never give me a break. I just felt like this boy (because he will never be a man) continuously had me, even though it was beyond clear that he no longer wanted me.

If you know me, I really am the life of the party (well, at least I like to tell myself that). I love making a joke that no one ends up laughing to when the vibe in the room is just so incredibly awkward. I love knowing that my dance moves will at least let me stay at the party. And, I genuinely love making my friends laugh. I really do. Believe it or not, I really do want to make sure that everyone around me is enjoying themselves no matter what the situation may be. But, my ultimate goal at the end of the day is to trust this process and trust myself, too.

Every single day is different and every single day is a constant battle. I cannot lie, I’ve experienced some of my roughest days in the last year. I wake up every morning (and I mean every, single morning) with a burning anxiety that I literally can’t do anything about. I wake up every morning constantly reminded that my eyelashes are non-existent at the moment. And, I wake up every morning hoping that I can get through at least one more day with no negativity.

I really am trying to love me for me. Christina trusting Christina is the most crucial of them all. Truthfully, I’ve been overly hard on myself since this break-up and I just want to be okay with who I am, with or without a useless boy in my life. That’s why blogging has become a major part of my recovery. Having people constantly taking photos of me and shoving a camera in my face is beyond uncomfortable for me. Sharing my deepest secrets on social media is something I never imagined I would do. But, that’s part of the process and it’s definitely steering me in the right direction. Making social media my b has become something I genuinely love to do and I can’t wait to see where this all takes me!

Stay Lifted,

Cwissy

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Day N Night

I once had all these crazy fantasies and ideas about my relationship. It’s almost wild looking back on how overly-naive I was! We all know I’m a people pleaser, and that’s kinda what my relationship was based around: not pleasing our feelings, but always pleasing his. Around this time last year, a local music venue was hosting their first-ever hip-hop festival just minutes away and it was something I was genuinely excited to do with my once significant other.

I created all these scenarios in my head of how this whole weekend would play out. I always wanted that “festival boyfriend” kinda love (ya, go ahead and sue the cliché, hopeless romantic in me). Ya know, that simple kinda love where we listen to the same music we like together, enjoy the same friends’ company we’ve constantly enjoyed together, and avoid reality for a short weekend, ya know, together. Because we rarely spent time doing anything other than sitting on the couch, it was something i just really looked forward to. I didn’t think that was too much to ask?

Looking back on it, that weekend was far from what I expected. Why? Luckily, I had the opportunity to attend the festival for the second time this past weekend, and only worry about me and the time I was having. I wasn’t worried if my man was happy or not all day. I wasn’t worried about having enough money on me to pay for the both of us. And, I sure as hell, wasn’t concerned about trying to get his attention, if, at all.

I genuinely had the time of my life last weekend with some of my best friends. Listening to music we all love together and getting away from work for a few days was more than I could’ve ever asked for. Lately, I’ve been feeling like work and home is the only thing I do. Without a doubt, it honestly felt like I could actually go out and really have some fun again.

Stay Lifted,

Cwissy

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4 Eyes On the Prize

Hey fans—

Sorry I haven’t posted this week! It’s a million degrees here in the OC and it really gets in the way of me doing absolutely anything productive. But, luckily for you, I’m back. So, you know how we all have our own unique little quirks? For me, you already know about my disgusting choker obsession and how I refuse to leave the house without one. Well, another wild fact about ya girl is how much I love eyewear (prescription because I’m not a poser). If you haven’t noticed from my photos, I am a big supporter of the idea that you really can’t own too many pairs….

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again that I’m on this not-so-easy journey of finding the confidence I know I can have, yet don’t seem to want to believe it. For some reason, I do pride myself on one thing for sure: the fact that I can honestly rock a good pair of specs (God I hate this lol). People always ask me why I don’t ever try contacts. I used to only wear contacts in high school. But, as fashion started to become a creative outlet for me, eyewear started to mesh somewhere in the process. Like my choker fad, eyewear is also my “security blanket”. Don’t worry, I am a sucker for a good deal on glasses, so that’s truly the only reason why I don’t judge myself as much when I buy a new pair.

P.S. My friends call me 4-eyes because they think they’re funny…

Stay Lifted (and hydrated),

Cwissy

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So-called “Adulting”

When I was younger, I could not wait to become an adult. Being an adult looked like so much fun. Being older meant you could stay out later, do more of the things you wanted without having to get permission from mom and dad, have more responsibilities like driving a car, and eventually buy alcohol without having to use your sister’s ID (oops). I had all these fairytale dreams and fantasies about what my life would be like when I was in my twenties:

I had this stubborn idea that the perfect 4-year college experience came right after graduating high school. I had this funny idea that I would be married to the love of my life by 25 at the very latest and was truly set on this silly idea of having two kids by the time I turned 30. Oh, and by this time in my life, I knew I would be beyond happy with the woman I became and the life I was living. Boy oh boy, was I naive…

Here I am:

Name: Christina Teresa Golka

Age: 24

Height: 5’7″

Hair Color: Brown

Eye Color: Hazel on a good day

Degree Earned: Bachelor’s of Arts in Communications, PR

Relationship Status: Very Single

Currently listening to: Chance the Rapper ❤

Employment Status: Forever employed by my mother

It’s funny. My life didn’t really turn out the way that I was hoping. I am currently 24 and a recent college graduate. I started my college journey at community college. It took me exactly 6 years to finish some of the toughest school years of my life. I definitely won’t be married anytime soon because I would probably need a significant other do something like that idk. My happiness level is up and down because I’ve been dealing with an eating disorder that has forever changed the way I see myself and society. And, I’m still trying to rise above my first real heartbreak. When I was younger, I never really thought about the consequences that come with adulting. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies and I’m definitely starting to realize that. Some days, I’m on top of the world and some days, the harsh reality of adulting hits ya girl hard.

It’s ok though, in the words of my therapist (are you surprised?), I’m “still killin’ it”.

Stay Lifted,

Cwissy

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Sunday Funday

Over this past weekend, my family and friends threw me the best grad party a girl could ever ask for. They definitely had my heart (and stomach, of course) full from all the candy, mimosas, food, and endless amounts of love that day. If I am going to be honest, I for sure was not a huge fan of the idea of having a party because I just felt like I had too much on my plate. When my mom first proposed the idea, I was probably at one of the lowest points I have ever been in. I was constantly crying, which made it very hard for me to get anything done. I was constantly wondering what went wrong and why I was so heartbroken. And, stupidly, I was constantly hoping that I would hear from my ex again. All my mind and heart wanted at the time was some sign of relief. Something that would help me just breathe again.

Before the party, most discussions with my family and friends were about how I was doing, how I was feeling, and how my eating was going. It was very obvious that I wasn’t at my best, which is why I was constantly being questioned. Because of this, I felt ashamed, like I was doing something wrong. All I could think about was what people would say to me. I didn’t want it to bother me in any way nor did I want it to affect my mom. I have this huge fear of the unknown, which is why I was beyond skeptical about a party being about me. I wasn’t ready to be questioned nor was I ready for something to be all about Cwissy.

Looking back on it, I realize why I truly needed this party. It was my time, my moment. I mean, I graduated college (6 years later) and genuinely deserved this attention. I spent over a year loving myself less and less and putting all my attention on someone who clearly did not matter. Celebrating with my family and my best friends was probably one of the best days I’ve had in awhile. That day, I had zero worries. And, I think that’s why my mom wanted me to have this party. I needed a day where my breakup was irrelevant, my eating disorder was irrelevant, and my anxiety wasn’t racing.

All I know is, I’m going to keep listening to my boo Drake and keep the family close.

Stay Lifted,

Cwissy

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